It's been a long road without you Mom.
I'll tell you all about it when I see you again.
I've come a long way since we said goodbye
Oh I'll tell you about it when I see you again.

Who knew with all the memories yet to make
That I'd be standing right here
Talking to you about my path
Know we loved to hit the mall and laugh
But no one could have told me that it wouldn't last
Had to say goodbye way too soon.
Those were the days, now they say you are in a better place

How could I not talk about the family you have left behind when the family's all missing you
Everything I went through, Mom, you were standing there by my side
And now, you are looking from above.

It's been a long road without you Mom.
I'll tell you all about it when I see you again.
I've come a long way since we said goodbye
Oh I'll tell you about it when I see you again.

First, it was baby cries
And then scraped knees and then what's
Small turn to friendship, a friendship
Formed from a mother/daughter bond that will never
Be broken and the love I have for you will never get lost
And when no one understood you were the one
That told me how it was
You were the one that lifted me up and the one that helped
Me reach further so I will always miss you when you're gone

How could I not talk about the family you have left behind when the family's all missing you
Everything I went through, Mom, you were standing there by my side
And now, you are looking from above.

So let the light guide your way, Ill hold every memory

Here even when you go and every road I take I hope it leads me to you being proud. 

It's a Better, Hard Day

Today, I want to tell you about one amazing woman in my life. She was a warrior, sudden single mom that worked harder than she should have. She would sometimes yell, get mad but still always love with all of her heart.

This woman was the reason I worked so hard when I was just 15, just so she didn't have to. She showed me what it meant to work for what you have and be thankful. She showed me just how much it meant to have family instead of money.She was the reason I finished my college career, knowing she would never want me to give up on what I really wanted.

This is the day I lost this beautiful woman, my mother. Today will always be a hard day but it's a better hard day than years past. I remember her with more smiles than tears. With more hope that I can be that mom someday soon and know she will be there for me the only way she can be.

Love you, Mom.

Remembering Mom on Mother's Day

As we shuffle into our last days before  Mother's Day, some of us are not within the crowds at the mall. Or at the card wall waiting to pick out the perfect card. For some of us, this is one of the harder days, the days where our grief comes back. They day we remember how much we miss our moms.

But Mother's Day doesn't have to be a day without Mom. It can be a day you remember Mom even if she is shining down on us from Heaven. A day to honor her and the special relationship you shared. As I am coming up on my 6th Mother's Day without my Mom, here is what I do to help ease the grief.

Buy a Card
It might sound strange, but buying a card to remember your Mom helps. Pick out what you would buy your Mom. The right words that you might not be able to say to her but are thinking. Write to your mom every Mother's Day. Say what you are feeling that Mother's Day and just how much you miss her.

Do Something She Loved
If she loved gardening, go pick up a pot of flowers to plant. If she loved her Mother's Day brunch, invite the gang over and celebrate. If she had a favorite recipe, make it for everyone that is coming over. Share with everyone just how special it is. These will help you remember every year just how special

Pay It Forward with a Gift
Every year, I give a special donation in honor of Mother's Day. It's a charity my mom supported and it's something I can give back in honor of my mom. Even if you can't give her a gift physically, knowing that your gift can potentially help others is a gift she would love.

Honor All the Moms in Your Life
There are many women in your life that have been there for you. Whether it be as a mother figure, aunt or friends in your life (we are at that age, right?!). Reach out to them and wish all the lovely women in your life a Happy Mother's Day. To remind them just how special their role is. There are mother's all around you that you can honor, take that opportunity.


Mother's Day can be a hard time when dealing with the loss of your mother and every year after. I have dealt with it every year and I hope these help you honor your mother every year.

What do you do to honor your mother on Mother's Day?

Coping with Grief During the Holidays

This is the fifth holiday season I am embarking on without my mom. Does it get easier? In a way , yes But in other ways, no. It's always been important to me to share what I know and anything that can help others on here. So I want to share my advice, experience on grieving during the holidays.

Let yourself grieve and feel the loss. My first holiday season without my mom I can barely recall. But I do know I did the same activities as the year before when my mom was there. Got up. Unwrapped presents from my sister. Got dressed. Went to my dads. Then went off to my uncles. Same exact routine. There was no place in that routine to acknowledge my mom was gone. That it was OK if I wanted to sit home and remember her. Let yourself miss that person. And let yourself change or alter a routine if you need to. Do not let others tell you how to grieve.

It was then the next year when we had Christmas Eve at my mom's house, the house I still lived in by myself. My sister and uncle made the decision and I never said no. I was working and came home to everyone there that had eaten dinner without me. Talk about remembering my mom when she would have never let anyone celebrate and eat without me on Christmas Eve. Lucky for me, my best friend got engaged that Christmas Eve and gave me a reason to smile. Do not be afraid to say, "It's too much." Only you will know when it becomes a burden and bouncing around from place to place might not be the best fit for you to deal with your grief. Its ok.

Talk about them. Never let the great loss of someone be the elephant in the room. Laugh and joke about silly family traditions you had. OR maybe the time that person had a funny holiday moment. My favorite will always be this moment at her last Thanksgiving. It defines my mom more than any other picture. Just a little bit crazy.

Chances are, other people who lost the same special person in their life will enjoy the conversations about the person. And it might help with their loss during the holidays.

Most people will not understand. And you might want to yell and scream and shout at them when they are bouncing happily from house to house with all their loved ones in tow. "Why can't that be me?"You really do not understand and think about people experiencing a loss until you are there yourself. Then as you are on your grieving process, you think how it is for other people that have lost people before you. And you realize that you, yourself, never even saw the hurt that was present. So expect that same misunderstanding from even the closest of people to you.

Talk about the loss. If you are having a particularly rough day, talk about it with someone. If that makes you uncomfortable, start by saying that. "So I don't know how to talk about this with you but, I'm really missing my mom today and I need to talk to someone about it." Chances are, they will be more than happy to listen. And it will help you heal by just talking about how much the loss affects your holidays.Keeping the loss and pain in might only increase your feeling of loss and sadness.

1st Christmas without Mom; 1st Christmas with this special kitty

Acknowledge that some times it just plain stinks. If you wake up Christmas Eve and there is an ache in your heart missing that person, acknowledge it. It IS sad they aren't there with you and are missing out on holiday moments. But then do not let yourself dwell in it. Participate in the joy of the season and everything and everyone that is around you.

2011 Christmas

 









Reflect back to the previous holiday. I say this because every year it will be different. One holiday you don't think you want to do anything then the next you slowly add your old traditions back. The laughs and happiness flow back in and you remember the joy of the family and friends that are around you everyday. And it's when you remember the last year, that you see how you are healing and grieving. And just how strong you are for going year to year.



Celebrate the joy in your life as your loved one would have wanted.

The Thankful Project | Something You Know

I am thankful that I know after suffering a great loss, grieving someone helps you remember and heal. Remembering someone so close to your heart is something to embrace and enjoy even if it is in the craziest ways.

I am glad I can share my story with other people that might share the same grief or might be experiencing the same pain. Because I know. I've been there. My heart was broken and some days, the cracks of pain come back.

I know that people grieve in their own way and it does not make you weak or make something wrong with you. It makes you the strongest person to be able to cry and miss that person because you loved them so much. And I know, not everyone understands and not everyone ever will. But I know, I am not weak, I am strong.I miss my mom everyday. I know grief never ends but you will heal.

The Thankful Project

As it's November (or Movember) it is time for Thanksgiving. The month where we really reflect and give thanks for everything in our lifes.

I will go more into detail later on, but this month of thanks could not have come at a better time. Yup, I know it comes Novemeber every year. But this time, I am really drudging in my work and need to focus on the bigger picture at some points.

I am so thankful I found "The Thankful Project" from Kenzie at Chasing Happy.

As I am clearly behind a few days, I will catch you up....

Day 1: A Person

I think it goes without saying, this guy.  

My handsome husband.  He is my rock, my life and I do not know how I would have survived the past 5 years without him. And I know the next years of our lifetime together will be nothing more than thrilling. Always an adventure with us.

Day 2: A role you've played

Daughter. 

I will always be thankful I got to play the role of daughter to my mom for the short years she was here with us. It was a role I always reveled in. I had the normal teenage moments and gave attitude. But I always gave my mom the best and treated her as my hero. I worked hard so she wouldn't have to. And that role is something I will always look back on with a smile. A role I hope to pass on to my own daughter(s) one day.

Day 3: A place.

Harmony. 

 The place that made me who I am. The county girl who was always itching to do bigger things. But also allowed me to always appreciate the simpler things in life. Here is where I learned the value of family, technology was optional and comparisons didn't exist. Everyone lived their version of what country life and was content.

Day 4: An experience

 Traveling abroad with my friends. 

I was given the opportunity of my high school career to take a trip to Spain with some of my closest. It was a trip I always love to look back on and am glad I was able to experience. It gave me a taste of a culture outside of our own and also allowed me to be thankful for our culture here. And it was my first trip with friends that I was able to experience It was also the last time I traveled in a world before 9/11.

Day 5: Talent I have

I have the knack to be creative. And I think that is a talent of it's own. I love to craft and am always curious to see if I can tackle something I see in a store. It also allowed me to really make my wedding my own, because I was able to design our programs, menus and other small details.

A few of my creations.

A Moment with Mom

Day 11 of Blogtember is simply a memory you'd love to relive.

Looking back to relive a moment, a memory. I of course, want to relive my engagement and wedding like a million times over. But today, I am thinking of my mom and one of the memories I had with her before she became an angel watching over me.

Her last Mother's Day with us 

Mom even knew the knee bent hand on thigh, photo pose.

It was the very last picture I have with her. She never liked getting pictures but this day she was so excited and giddy. You see, my sorority had a Mother's Day brunch ( the week before Mother's day) where we pinned our mothers with our Alpha Xi Delta letters. She had no idea this was what was happening but she couldn't have been happier. I got to share a very special sorority ceremony with her and really teach her the meaning of my sisterhood. The sisterhood that in the next year would keep me together.

She was so proud to have that pin and kept asking me when she could wear it, if she could just wear it out anywhere. The next day she called me saying how she wore it to work and was showing it to everyone. Every time she came to campus to see me at the house, she always asked if she could wear it. 

We spent time with my other sisters and their moms and really had a special day. We even painted a wooden picture frame together with the colors of double blue and gold, having a distinct moment of how alike we were when neither of us would make the decision of how exactly to do it. It was a day that reminded just how special our bond was. 

And then on actual Mother's Day, we spent the time working on her own mother's grave. We shopped for new plants and tools where we saw her favorite grand niece, Heather and her mom, Tammy. They truly got a special moment seeing their aunt on her last Mother's Day by coincidence. But it was decided then that they would come up for dinner. My mom and I then spent the next few hours at the grave, digging and planting. It still pains me to think of that day sometimes and how that the very next Mother's day I was at that same spot, at her grave. 

This moment and time was one that I will cherish forever and love that I always had these moments to share with my mom. 

Mother's Day,Missing a Mom

It never gets easier. Easier to deal with? Yes.

It never hurts less when people ask you what your plans are for mother's day and you have to respond, "My mother passed away." And then the conversation becomes a little weird.

But I know I have healed when the conversations can turn positive again and when I don't have to hide out crying all day. I know even though I can't see my mother's resting place, she's in my heart.

And I still buy my mom a gift. Even if she isn't here, I purchase a donation to the American Cancer Society for the money that would have been spent on her. She loved this charity in honor of my grandmother. So I always like to do that for her.

Also, every year I look back on my posts from the previous year. This is why I love blogging. I can see how I felt last year and how I have grown. And I want to share with you my post from last year.

The past few weeks the emails, commercials and marketing tools for Mother's Day have been on and on. 

Four years later and it isn't any easier to hear or see, "Shower your mom with love." Or "Make sure to let your mom know how much she means to you this Mother's day."  Delete, mute, turn the corner.

I wouldn't say I'm bitter but I also wouldn't say I'm not. In a way I am bitter. Bitter that showering my mom with love means leaving flowers on her grave. Bitter that I can't call my mom on the phone or send her the flowers to show her how much she means to me. I just have to whisper it into the wind. 

But I'm also not bitter of the fact that I still have amazing other women in my life. Look at these women I get to send mother's day cards to. Women who are there for me and support me. 

And let's not forget I get to be a cat mommy to this cutie. Yes, I said that. 

You can read the full post here.

And if you are asking what you can do for someone that celebrates mother's day without a Mom or Father's DAy without a day...the answer is just be there. Be there for them whether it's a phone call, card or a quick text just to make them smile about something. Or picking up the phone when they call because you know they might be having a rough day. 

It's the little things that mean the most.

And I know someday I will have children of my own to celebrate this special day with where I will be able to tell them all about their wonderful grandma in Heaven. 

Those Moments.

You never when they are going to hit.

That's the thing about grief. It's a sneaky bitch. You think you might be ok and moving forward and then something reminds you that you aren't quite there yet. And how it's a constant journey that you are on for the rest of your life.

Those Moments.

When it's a feeling you get. Grief overwhelms you. You miss that person so much at that very moment.

Sometimes you can explain it. It might be triggered by a piece of jewelry or a specific place.

But there are times when it just hits you. You wake up missing that person as if you just lost them. As if your heart is freshly broken.

Or when with no warning, you just start the sobs and the ache in your heart is overwhelming.

It happened to me the other day. Over a Tigger cup of my mom's. A cup I have been using since she died so I see it at least once a week. But something about that day, that time, triggered something in me.

I couldn't control it and I didn't expect it. Lifting that cup out of the cabinet brought a wave of emotions that gripped my inner soul. I longed for my mom. I longed to talk to my mom at that very moment. But I couldn't.

That's the thing about these moments. You never know when they are going to happen. And they will always be there.

I'm sure there will be many more as I go through the next 2 months, 2 years, 20 years. Grief is never something you get over. It's always with you. Especially on the most important moments. 

Show Life That You Have a Thousand Reasons to Smile

Sometimes life is pretty rough. Sometimes it can try to tear you down. I know it's taken a few hits with me. And it will continue to try my patience and strength. But I can't let it get the best of me. And I won't.

This is my absolute favorite quote. You probably have seen it multiple times around the blog. And it's a favorite for me to talk about for Blog Everyday in May.

I love it because there are days when I am "hating life." But that's exactly where I don't want to be. So instead, I have my pity party for a minute then get myself together and put on that smile and remember everything truly great in my life.

Those moments when the ache in my heart from missing my Mom gets me down, I always try to reflect that even though she's not here, she gave me the strength and independence to get me to where I am today. And I have to remember that where I am is not too shabby.

So basically, life sucks sometimes. 

But what's a better day than a day you choose to smile in spite of the rain? And pretty much say," Eff you. I'm smiling today. Because I can."

And these, my friends, are just a few of the thousand reasons I smile everyday.

My Prince.

Our little baby.

Family.

Family.

The best friends.

Friends are family.

Best friends near & far.

And of course, this little space I have found here with some of the best people. Can't wait to see where it all goes.

Happy Birthday to the Sweetest Angel

Today is full of memories,
Happiness and tears, 
Of birthday celebrations
we've shared throughout the years.

And though I'll always miss you

The endless joy you brought

Warms my heart with gratitude

And fills my every thought.

Wherever you are resting,

I hope that you can see,

How precious and uplifting,

Your memory is to me.

I feel that you are with me

In everything I do

So I'll celebrate your birthday

But I'll spend it missing you.

Always miss you.

Always love you.

Happy Birthday in Heaven, Mom!

So I Went to a Medium...

That's right. My sister and I took the plunge and went to see a medium last weekend. Yes, the kind that speaks to spirits that have passed on.

(Anyone remember this show? My mom loved it...coincidence...I think not)

We have been wanting to go to one for awhile since my Mom left us so abruptly and so young. (She appreciates me calling her young I know ;)) There is a a lot of questions and times I just wonder where she went, how she's doing and what she thinks of my life. Am I doing ok?

We were given the opportunity when I went for my hair trial and my hairdresser told us the name of one that she knew. She raved on and on about this 'Carol.' So I knew it was a sign and we had to take the plunge and go. 

Before we went, I was very skeptical of the whole idea of a medium. Not sure where they actually get their information from, maybe my hair lady called Carol with all the information she needed. Or maybe she would just throw out vague terms and I would be giving the information. But I was also nervous that maybe it would be very real and the things that would come out. Either way I was excited. It's something new and different that many people don't do. Go us!

The session started off off with basic instructions and how this was going to go. She would do a meditation and then get into our reading. She did prepare us that what she might bring out might not be exact but around. For instance, dates could be within 7 days before or after. And names might be similar. 

Right away she said my mom was through very strong and she started to name everyone she is with up in Heaven. My grandparents obviously and a family friend too. Carol even called her quite the social butterfly because she kept naming people. Mom still making friends with everyone.

Then it just went on from there. Carol brought through that I always hung on my mom, truth. I was as shy as shy could come when I was little. I hated talking to people and being without my mom when I was younger. 

She said my mom still has my back. Comforting. Mom was always the one behind every step of the way no matter what. It has been hard not having her there. 

Carol even said she saw birthday balloons, my birthday had just passed. Mom was wishing me a Happy Birthday. My very first birthday spent without my mom was the year she died. You always spend your birthdays with the people you love and your best friends and she was always my best friend so there was no one better. It's been a bittersweet day but every year it feels better. 

Then she went into discussing princess. What was it? Who was it? Um, hello...my Belle obsession. Or maybe the girl, girl, girls?

Highlights from the reading 

(everything was coming 'through'

 what my mom was 'saying')

*See Girl, Girl, Girl. (Babies) Score! Maybe not a Rufio in our future?

*Told me not to worry about money, it will be ok...lottery win in my future?

*Brian and I will have a very close knit family with us and our babies...did I mention girl, girl, girl?

*Telling me to let go of control..Trying so hard...

*Telling me I need to get the car looked at...I'm currently 2 months past my oil change...thanks Mom.

Part of me believes fully, but in my true nature, I am still a little skeptical about it. Some of it was vague and she was asking me questions that I gave the answers to. ( Are you worried about money? Um, who isn't this wonderful economy?)

But I feel at ease after going. Like my mom was talking to me...real or fake. It is what you make it I believe. It comforts me knowing my mom is still being her crazy, talkative self up there. And that she told me it was ok to let go of my guilt because she wasn't in pain anymore. It will never bring her back to these special moments she is missing but it definitely gives some comfort. 

Final verdict

 If you have lost someone close to you and you feel like you never got any closure or it was too quick, do it. Or if you carry around a burden is that person is ok, do it. I am sure glad we went.

Do you Believe in Mediums?

Mediumship is defined as the practice of certain people—known as mediums—to mediate communication between spirits of the dead and other human beings.

There is one famous medium...I'm sure you have heard about or seen for yourself The Long Island Medium. And if you haven't, let me enlighten you.

The whole concept of a medium is still up in there air for me; I am a skeptic but I am not a non believer. I am not sure where the spirits come in and what information the person has to make up the stories. It all seems touch and go to me. My sister and I have talked about going to a medium before but we never really looked much into it.

My mom passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. I have always wanted that last chat with her ask her a few questions if I could. Especially with the wedding coming up, I just want to know what she thinks, what she's feeling. It's a huge void not having her here giving her advice and opinions on my life. I know my sister has some unanswered questions and some answers she needs. 

We drug our feet until I found my hair and makeup gal for my wedding. We went to her for my trial and we were talking about my mom and she gave us a number for this medium that she has been to before and she had rave reviews for what she can do.

To me, this was a sign, a push to do this. So today is the day. I have a lot of emotions. I am still not sure if I believe all of this but I am nervous and scared at the same time. I am not sure what she will tell me or what she will come up with. I am hoping to feel more closure with my mom's death and I'm nervous I won't get that. Or maybe she won't bring anything up at all.

No looking back. I will let you know how everything goes!

This day.

I lost my true best friend. My very first best friend. My Mom. 

The one person who always had my back and would always say, "Call me when you get there." The one who I would bicker with but never called any names. So glad for that. The one who taught me how to be independent by letting me make my own decisions and mistakes. The only mother I will ever have.

I truly miss her everyday. Especially with all the wedding activities. Ladies, be thankful for the bickering with your mom over flowers. I would give anything for those moments now. 

To my Mom, My Angel

 I love you and miss you so. 

The ache in my heart will always be for you.

God has you in his keeping, I have you in my heart.

Some days.

Some days are rough.

Some days I want to call you just to chat like we used to.

Some days I just need a hug from you and to hear you say I love you.

Some days a little something reminds me of a memory and I am reminded of the hole left by your loss.

Some days these little memories make me smile and allow me to remember your life.

Some days are good.

Some days are better.

Some days I want you to bicker with me over wedding plans, telling me what I should be doing.

Some days something happens and I just want you to guide me in the right direction. 

Some days I wonder what you think of how I've grown in the past 3 years. Are you proud?

Some days are painful.

Some days I think about the relationship you and Brian would have been able to have. You always loved him.

Some days I cry over everything you will miss in our lives. Especially all the babies.

Some days the family just doesn't understand leaving behind Harmony. Moving on from where you belonged.

Some days I remember you are with grammy and pop pop and I know that's your place now. 

BUT.

Every day I miss you, Mom.

wedding Wednesday: WEDDING DRESS: CHECK!!

*Inset corny* I said YES TO THE DRESS!!!

(even though I didn't go anywhere near as fancy as Kleinfeld's because let's be serious, I can't afford that)

That's right, I have purchased the wedding dress! And I am so excited!! I seriously want it here tomorrow. Actually 5 days ago when I bought it. 

It is something I never knew I would love, but it fits perfectly. It was the very first dress I ever put on and it was perfect. Of course, I looked around just to be sure..my indecisive self. And took about 3 months to do it butttt in the end it was THE DRESS!!

And since my fiance reads this...I can't go into much detail but let's just say it isn't like any of these...Figures, I'm Miss Never Know What I Want.

But I would just like to tell my story about the dress. 

And forewarning, if you want to hear a fully OMG it was amazing story...then you might want to stop reading. Because well it wasn't always OMG. Not saying I didn't have the best support team EVER (because they were the best!) but doing it without your mom who you always thought would be there, was at times, difficult. 

Well, to begin with I waited until 3 months ago to look for a wedding dress. Approximately a year after I got engaged. Just for that reason. I was not ready to do this without my mom and I knew if I did it before I was ready I would be a blubbering mess and it would just be a mess. So at the very end of July I figured it was about time to get this over with. (Yes, that is what I felt like because it just didn't feel right to me)

I always knew I wouldn't be the bride with the 3 thousand dollar dress (no offense, just doesn't fit me) I am more of the modest, practical type that thinks about how it's just for one day, a few hours then it sits in the closest. So my first stop was David's Bridal because they have more modest dresses. I made up a wish list of my dresses and went on my way. And let's just say it was the first one I picked and the first one I tried on that ended up being the one. 

But even as my sister and two best Friends were there cheering me one and saying how beautiful they all were, it just didn't feel right. Even when my sister cried over the one dress, just still didn't feel right. I was more of ok, let's get this over with. Then I decided to not make my decision that day and look other places. Well, I made one more trip when I went with my best friend as she picked up her dress. Her mom ushered me into a couple of dresses. Her care and concern for my dress choice really touched my heart. And seeing as she kept putting me in sweetheart dresses, I realized that was the option for me. Truly blessed to have not only such a wonderful best friend, but a best friend's momma to truly force me into dresses, which I'm sure I needed :)

Needless to say, I wanted to wait until after my friend's wedding to do that all over again but that first dress was still in my mind. So last Thursday, being as I was on vacation, I made the decision to make another trip to David's Bridal to decide on this dress. This time I made the trip with another bridesmaid, Heather, (you've seen here here) basically the little sister I never had aka. my cousin. And somehow with her there it helped. And of course, sister and best friend and other best friend through text after failed facetime chat!

I went through a couple of new ones but I still said let me try that one. And in the end it was it. And I cried. Never thought I was the type but I guess so. And I promptly ran into the dressing room to hide my face because crying in public is more embarrassing for me than anything. I have issues with people looking at me. Yea, good luck bridesmaids getting me down the aisle ;)

But I still looked at the bride across the room helping her mom pick out her mother of the bride dress and it weighed on my heart that I won't be able to do that. But I felt my mom there and knew the dress I picked she would approve. She was always the out there one, which is where I get it from ;) We never cared what other people thought, we just did us. and I will honor her with my dancing skills at my wedding with my very dancing friendly dress.

SO, SO, SO EXCITED I FINALLY HAVE THE DRESS AND CAN'T WAIT FOR IT TO BE HERE ALREADY!! now on to the finishing touches...

Just dreamin'

dreams.

Are a very interesting thing. They come to in during your REM sleep. That's the deep sleep when you can no longer hear doors closing in the next room and neighbors stereo music. We all love that deep sleep. That's the good stuff.

It is said our dreams are a way for our brain to process our days events and that's why we dream about the craziest things. They are also supposed to reveal what our subconscious is trying to tell us. Something we aren't aware of ourselves yet. Say, wanting to move to Texas for example. (yup, keep having this one... weird.)

Personally, I love dreaming. I love reading the dream dictionary to see what it is telling me. It is true, I am one of those. One night I had a bat in my dream. Wasn't Halloween, didn't see one on the TV and didn't read anything about them anywhere so I wondered what this could mean.

To see a bat in your dream symbolizes uncleanness, demons, and annoyances.  Alternatively, bats represent rebirth and unrealized potential. You need to let go of old habits. Your current path is not compatible with your new growth and new goals. It may also indicate some unknown situation and how  you are blindly entering into a situation or deal. You need to evaluate the facts more carefully. The dream may also been a pun on feeling "batty" or feeling crazy. 

Unrealized potential? Unknown situation? Or maybe just batty? I went with just being batty. How different these definitions are doesn't deter me from continuing to believe this. Your mind is a mysterious being and wants to be heard. And now I do sound batty for sure.

Now, I'm sure you are wondering why I am rambling about dreams and their meanings. The reason is that in the past few years since my mom has passed away, dreams have taken on a new meaning for me. She pops up in my dreams here and there and I now see my dreams as a way for my mom to communicate with me.

Just last night, my mom was in my dream. She uprooted my old house (which we are having such a rough time selling) had it put on a truck and she drove it to Georgia. Uh, what??? We have never been to Georgia, we do not have any family in Georgia. So why Georgia, Mom? That one has me scratching my head.

But when I say my Mom is trying to talk to me when she appears in my dreams, this is a good example of this. This dream I think she is telling me it is ok to let the old home, my old home, go. Not just the house, but the place.  I have starting feel moments of sadness being so far away from my family now. I wasn't able to spend the 21st birthday with my little cousin, I can't pop in to see my family as I'm driving around and I just don't see people I know around town. Because this is a new town, with new people.

Don't read more into this though. I love living with my fiance (reference my excitement saying goodbye to the long distance) and I am closer to some friends down here but there are starting to be some moments I miss. So I am convinced this dream my mom wanted me to know it is ok and she's taking the house with her and that's what I need to do. Take my hometown with me, in my heart. This is my new life but I will always carry Harmony in my heart. Deep, I know.

But these dreams are my favorite. I always love waking up from these dreams. I get to see my mom's face and see her alive in my dreams for just a minute. She's vibrant and smiling just how I always want to remember her. I always look forward to having these dreams and I expect a lot more the next year as wedding planning gets really intense. Her telling me to calm down or what not to do. Since she can't tell me in person, she does it through my dreams.

Orrrrr maybe I will just continue to have dreams about my wedding dress having grass stains and the photographer missing. Yes, I am having the wedding nightmares already.

So what do you love about dreaming? Do you read into them or just kind of dismiss them?

I loved the big words today. Feelin' the creativity, 

20 year old Krista

So I stumbled across this interesting giveaway at 20sb. You are supposed to write a letter to yourself five years ago. I wasn't sure whether to participate but I'm so glad I did. In a way, this letter was therapeutic for me. Hope you enjoy! ps. this will get deep

Dear 20 year old Krista,

(Still as fun as ever)

In a few days, you will finally find out what is wrong with your knee and it looks like surgery is a week away. Trust me, it's worth it. But start wearing some Dr. Scholl's for Her now to prevent any problems. And be prepared for knee to swell like no other every once in awhile.

Be careful with the crutches. They are dangerous and require some skill. Don't try to take stairs with them days after you have surgery. Take up that offer to have someone come help you during the day otherwise you will end up with a sprained ankle which then leads to another fall where you pull your shoulder. And then years of ankle pain. Save yourself the trouble.

This time will also be known as your chubby year. But you will work it off in the next few months with physical therapy and limited alcohol due to the pain meds. And you will forever compare yourself to this semesters pictures to make sure you aren't hitting that chubby stage.

The next 4 months will be hard but unfortunately, not the worst of what's to come in the next 5 years. You will get through it and will have some amazing friends by your side along the way. Some will come and some will go, but the ones that stay are the ones that will get you through your darkest hours when the times become really tough. And they will. But trust me when I say, it actually turns out pretty ok. Just might have to break a few things first and yell a whole lot;)

Only 6 months until 21! And even though you have the drinking down, it becomes even more fun with bars and nightclubs. Always remember those glasses of water before bed to ward off the hangovers. And  trust me, try beer again. It will save you a ton a cash that would help when you leave school. Because you will have student loans to pay and they just don't go away. Your 21st year will be a fun one! And the year you will always look back on with fondness.

Cherish the summer spent home with mom because your crippled self can't go very far. Cherish watching Ghost Whisperer and Two and a Half Men. Always remember to thank her for helping you out the last 5 months because it wasn't an easy job. I mean, you were a bum that slept on the pull out for at least 2 months. that she chauffeured around.  Tell her everyday you love her and call her just because.

Keep talking to her about AXiD because when you give her those letters in May, she won't stop bragging about how happy they make her and how she wants to wear them whenever she can. And they will accompany her to heaven.

The plans you have for yourself at this moment are far from where you will be. But it will be ok. Times will be tough and you will be somewhere that makes you face everything with new meaning. You will know who to turn to for support and help. You will have an amazing boyfriend(eventual fiance) that lets you deal with your grief and gets you through the toughest day. Living with your sisters might prove to be hard in the next few months but they will be your healers when you just need to forget sometimes.

You will graduate with the most important person not there but when the sun shines, she will be there. It will be a tough day that you can't wait to get through. And sometimes you will look back and remember how you felt that day and how far you have come with your grief. She will also be missing when you move into your first apartment but bringing her things helps you feel close. She won't be your first call when you are engaged  but you have your whole family and friends to share in your joy.

You will become a stronger person than you are today and stronger than you ever thought you could be. Life will come at you fast but just remember it will get better. And it's your future self talking, not some person who says it over and over. I have lived it. You have an amazing fiance, family and the absolute best friends that deal with your different life structure. And above all, you will be happy and thankful for everything in your life. It might be a different plan, but it isn't a too shabby one.

And how could I forget to mention, that cat you've always wanted? She will come into your life just when you need her. She will be the cutest part of your life. Get ready for the ride the next 5 years!

This post is submitted as a part of the 20SB 5th Birthday Blog Carnival, sponsored by GlassesUSA.com.Submit your own post here.

Getting through the day

The past few weeks the emails, commercials and marketing tools for Mother's Day have been on and on. 

Four years later and it isn't any easier to hear or see, "Shower your mom with love." Or "Make sure to let your mom know how much she means to you this Mother's day."  Delete, mute, turn the corner.

I wouldn't say I'm bitter but I also wouldn't say I'm not. In a way I am bitter. Bitter that showering my mom with love means leaving flowers on her grave. Bitter that I can't call my mom on the phone or send her the flowers to show her how much she means to me. I just have to whisper it into the wind. 

But I'm also not bitter of the fact that I still have amazing other women in my life. Look at these women I get to send mother's day cards to. Women who are there for me and support me. 

And let's not forget I get to be a cat mommy to this cutie. Yes, I said that. 

Past years I have used the distraction to get me through the day. And it's worked. Even with all the commercials. The first year I spent it at school feverishly packing up all my belongings for the end of my college career and spending it with my man and best friend. 

Last year, I spent the day at work and it was a pleasant distraction. Dodging the question about what I was doing later with my mom wasn't the best but I made it through.

This year, it is all about positive energy. Doesn't matter what people think I should do or act on Mother's Day. It's about celebrating my mom and doing things in her honor or for her. Doing things that make me happy. 

Even though this week will continue to be hard for me, it's about dealing with it the best way I know how. The best way I can. And this year it will include finally! signing for a wedding venue! Something positive to deal with the sadness. 

Until then...just trying to get through.

Let's Talk about my Summer

As the summer comes to a close and the chill begins to set in the air, I must reflect on my incredibly wonderful, life changing, awesome summer. 

It started with a Memorial Day weekend spent at home...nothing too exciting and very ordinary. Nothing indicative of what was to come. I searched for apartments and at the end of June a new home was found for me. July was spent moving and unpacking for sure.

I have mostly settled in..just adjusting to bills and budgets which are not fun at all. It feels so nice to have my own place to call my home. To be able to decorate and have friends and family over and to just be in someplace that is new. Friends and family came over to check out the new place and I was more than happy to share it.

Then of course August brought the most life changing experience...the big engagement. I'm getting married!! still love to say that hehe But it will not be for a little bit due to us saving for the wedding and preparing for our life together. 

I am so excited for this next chapter of our lives to begin!

The past almost month has been simply amazing to say the least. Us being able to celebrate our engagement all week in Disney was amazing and all the love and support we have gotten from family and friends. The dinners, cards and gifts were more than expected but loved. The phone calls and texts allowing me to relive that moment were the best and I am very thankful for all the love we received.

The summer also included multiple engagements in our circle of friends, one in May and another in July. A wedding in August and more to come the next year! Wine nights, dinners and family/friend gatherings all included in this summer and the very few beach trips. And as we said au revoir to summer the last two days were spent surrounded by family, friends and fiance 

Although this has been an amazing summer it has also been bittersweet. As I said two large life experience happened within the past two months and the abscence of my mom did not go unnoticed. The move was the first large experience my mom hasn't been here for. My graduation I was still grieving so it was more numb. But this time I was aware. Aware that she should have been here bossing me around and sharing in the moving process and see how I have blossomed. 

She should have been my first call after the engagement to share in my exciting news and the first person I would see after the engagement to show off the ring. All little girls dream of their wedding and their mom helping them tie their dress and crying when it's put on and just being there for the whole experience and I won't have it. Losing your mom is a neverending grieving process. At every stage of my life I feel/will feel my mom's abscence. But I know she is here with me..helping me and sharing in my joy.

Ready to end the year with many more memories!