The past few weeks the emails, commercials and marketing tools for Mother's Day have been on and on. 

Four years later and it isn't any easier to hear or see, "Shower your mom with love." Or "Make sure to let your mom know how much she means to you this Mother's day."  Delete, mute, turn the corner.

I wouldn't say I'm bitter but I also wouldn't say I'm not. In a way I am bitter. Bitter that showering my mom with love means leaving flowers on her grave. Bitter that I can't call my mom on the phone or send her the flowers to show her how much she means to me. I just have to whisper it into the wind. 

But I'm also not bitter of the fact that I still have amazing other women in my life. Look at these women I get to send mother's day cards to. Women who are there for me and support me. 

And let's not forget I get to be a cat mommy to this cutie. Yes, I said that. 

Past years I have used the distraction to get me through the day. And it's worked. Even with all the commercials. The first year I spent it at school feverishly packing up all my belongings for the end of my college career and spending it with my man and best friend. 

Last year, I spent the day at work and it was a pleasant distraction. Dodging the question about what I was doing later with my mom wasn't the best but I made it through.

This year, it is all about positive energy. Doesn't matter what people think I should do or act on Mother's Day. It's about celebrating my mom and doing things in her honor or for her. Doing things that make me happy. 

Even though this week will continue to be hard for me, it's about dealing with it the best way I know how. The best way I can. And this year it will include finally! signing for a wedding venue! Something positive to deal with the sadness. 

Until then...just trying to get through.

Let's Talk about my Summer

As the summer comes to a close and the chill begins to set in the air, I must reflect on my incredibly wonderful, life changing, awesome summer. 

It started with a Memorial Day weekend spent at home...nothing too exciting and very ordinary. Nothing indicative of what was to come. I searched for apartments and at the end of June a new home was found for me. July was spent moving and unpacking for sure.

I have mostly settled in..just adjusting to bills and budgets which are not fun at all. It feels so nice to have my own place to call my home. To be able to decorate and have friends and family over and to just be in someplace that is new. Friends and family came over to check out the new place and I was more than happy to share it.

Then of course August brought the most life changing experience...the big engagement. I'm getting married!! still love to say that hehe But it will not be for a little bit due to us saving for the wedding and preparing for our life together. 

I am so excited for this next chapter of our lives to begin!

The past almost month has been simply amazing to say the least. Us being able to celebrate our engagement all week in Disney was amazing and all the love and support we have gotten from family and friends. The dinners, cards and gifts were more than expected but loved. The phone calls and texts allowing me to relive that moment were the best and I am very thankful for all the love we received.

The summer also included multiple engagements in our circle of friends, one in May and another in July. A wedding in August and more to come the next year! Wine nights, dinners and family/friend gatherings all included in this summer and the very few beach trips. And as we said au revoir to summer the last two days were spent surrounded by family, friends and fiance 

Although this has been an amazing summer it has also been bittersweet. As I said two large life experience happened within the past two months and the abscence of my mom did not go unnoticed. The move was the first large experience my mom hasn't been here for. My graduation I was still grieving so it was more numb. But this time I was aware. Aware that she should have been here bossing me around and sharing in the moving process and see how I have blossomed. 

She should have been my first call after the engagement to share in my exciting news and the first person I would see after the engagement to show off the ring. All little girls dream of their wedding and their mom helping them tie their dress and crying when it's put on and just being there for the whole experience and I won't have it. Losing your mom is a neverending grieving process. At every stage of my life I feel/will feel my mom's abscence. But I know she is here with me..helping me and sharing in my joy.

Ready to end the year with many more memories!

Tragedy Glasses

An event resulting in great loss and misfortune.

It is said that when a tragedy occurs, you are never the same. From that day going forward who you are changes as you recover. Life is now "the me before" and "the me after." I call this, the tragedy glasses. 

Two years ago I was a different me. Losing my mother so suddenly and unexpectedly turned my world upside down and forever changed me. The days following were unreal and I kind of just floated through it. There were the phone calls, emails, facebook messages and occasional visits that featured the words, "I'm so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you," etc. etc. The words and sentiments were felt and appreciated but I echoed every sentiment in my own head. I was sorry for my loss. I couldn't believe it happened. I was thinking about me and how I would deal with this. 

The next few months and year were filled with many tears. It was getting through the anger and resentment that it was my mom. My mom was gone and wouldn't be there for all the important moments in my life. No words would bring her back. There were only pictures left to remind me of my mom's beautiful smiling face. Unexplained moments would be filled with sadness and regret. 

The pain will never fade. Time will just continue creeping on. But it becomes easier to deal with as more time passes. It is easier to look back on the times with my mom and smile instead of cry. It is easier to be thankful for the great relationship and time I had with my mom than be angry that she is gone. I have become stronger and more resilient to life around me. The little things are just really tiny specs to me. I don't feel the need to dwell on something so silly when there are far more important things in life.

I look around, breathe and take in what I do have in life. It might not be the best of all situations but it is definitely not the worst. I go to a job everyday. have a place to live and have the greatest support system. Life is not ideal. It's a fact of life. Just have to go with it.

You also realize and affirm who your true support system is. When you are down and out, look around to see who is there to pick you up. Those are the people you want around in your life for many years to come. Those are the relationships you want to build on and foster. Not the occasional acquaintances that make an appearance once in awhile. This is something that comes out of tragedy.

Just how silly life is sometimes and how people go through it. This is what I see through my tragedy glasses.

-There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than 10,000 tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love. ~ Washington Irving