*I wrote this post a month ago, couldn't get myself to hit publish. But today, I am able to.
But you went away
How dare you?
I miss you
They say I’ll be OK
But I’m not going to ever get over you.
I have touched on this subject here and there on this blog but never went into details or raw emotions. The reason I have this blog is to do just that. So as I approach the 5 year anniversary of losing my mom, I feel the need to share the story. The day my mom left us.
My mom went to heaven on January 12, 2009. I had been home the whole month previous from college. She has bronchitis the week before I came home and had gone to the dcotors and was on antibitoics. Christmas came and she became sick again.
It was the reason for me throwing money." My mom was always the cutest. She couldn't get us Christmas presents so she put some money in a bag. It was the best last Christmas I could have asked for with her.
That day I awoke and knew my mom didn't go to work because I always heard her in the morning. I checked on her and she was laying in bed and said she was feeling sick, not really telling me just how bad she actually was. I spent the day at home, checked on her for lunch and she said she would have some waffles. I tinkered around on my computer and she reminded me at 8 o'clock her favorite show was on so she would be downstairs to watch it. She never made it to watch that show.
As she came downstairs, I saw the blue on her lips and she asked for water. She then said she couldn't breathe. With the phone in my hand to dial 911 I ran to get my cousin, who lived downstairs. He came upstairs as my mom was still gasping for air and I was calling 911. They said they would be there but they never made it in time. My mom took her last breath as I was holding her hand. She had just told me, " It's ok. "
As I screamed Mom! over and over again I called 911 back in a panic as we tried to do CPR but I knew. I knew that she wasn't coming back. The next half hour was a blur as paramedics worked on my mom in my living room, the police searched the cabinets for any medicines and interrogated me.
I don't remember going to the hospital, just remember being in my worst state in a cold room, as they told me she was gone. I had none but hearing those words just drilled in my heart. We then waited for family members to come and my sister to drive there. Telling her the awful news and making the decisions no 22/25 year old should have to make about her mother. Autopsy, donating organs. It turns out my mom died from a blood clot in her lungs. That's why it was so sudden.
This is one of the first times I have been able to write these words out and relive that very moment. I had nightmares for weeks when I went back to school about this very moment. I had immense guilt that I was there and maybe could have done something. And also anger because my mom shut me out instead of asking for more help that day.
It's been 5 years, I still miss her everyday. But new memories have helped ease the pain and grief. I have a wonderful husband who supports me everyday and a great future to look forward to. I wish she was here to see it all but I know she wouldn't want me to spend all the time grieving but making happy memories.