Father's Day is always an interesting time for me. You see, my dad is alive and well but we do not have the greatest father/daughter relationship. There isn't a post or card that I can write that says thanks dad! deep down from my heart. I find a simple card, sign it and mail it out. Because seeing him on Father's Day, he just hasn't had the time for that.
He has never been my shoulder to cry on.
He has never been a support system or helped me make big decisions.
He has never been a person who I can count on.
He is my "At Least" dad.
"At least" he is a better father than his dad, who was an alcoholic and he saw as an unfit dad. Well, my dad hasn't done too much better as I struggled a lot after school and he never offered to help.
"At least" he gives me things. He never really understood I just wanted his time, his presence at my big moments, not his money.
"At least" he tries to talk to me and have a relationship. Where he calls me, we chat about me getting a new job, Lily and nothing more personal than that. If that's what you call a relationship...
To other people:
"At least" you have a dad. A dad that has me look at other father/daughter relationships with envy because he has never been a support system for me.
"At least" he talks to you. Yea, once a month. Otherwise, I get a response that he was busy working to call me back.
"At least" he was at your wedding. I can look at this sweet picture and wish the meaning behind it meant more.
With this, I will never give up hope though. I still wish for a better relationship, for me and him to really know each other. During wedding planning, we became closer, or so I thought. He would call more, was interested and even offered to give some money to help us out. He wanted his friends there because he "was so proud." He wanted the father/daughter dance and had genuine smiles on his face.
But unfortunately, the past year it has fallen back into the same routine of missed calls, not spending holidays together and not being in a big part of my life. He has advanced in his work a lot the past year, but not his relationship with his daughter.
Since it has been 16 years of this, I am at peace with the parent he is after many missed field hockey games and not being there for my first broken heart. He is missing out on my life. He makes choices to not give me 5 minutes of his week and instead says he was busy working all week. I will still carry on with my life. Still be at peace with where I am as a woman and building my own family. A family where I want my husband to be the best father he can be. And I know he will be.
I also take the time this day to remember the special men in my life that have supported me. My uncles and my new father-in-law.