Grief | It Just Hits You

Monday, December 22, 2014

You don't see it coming. There is no warning. It just hits you.
This time of the year it comes at you full force.
It could be the smell of a fresh tree or the laugh of children.
Maybe it's cooking a family recipe or the change in weather.
Whatever might trigger it, you can never be sure. It just hits you.

One minute you are laughing and singing your favorite song.
Then, it just hits you and you are overcome with immense sadness.
As much as you want to be ok, you want to smile and decorate the tree, you can't.
Because it just hits you and all you want to do is cry.
Cry at everything that is different. Cry because of everything missing.
You never know when it's coming.
It just hits you.

The holidays are a bittersweet time for many people that deal with the loss of a loved one. It doesn't matter how long it's been, it's still hard.

This is my 6th Christmas without my mom and I still have moments where all I want is for her to be here singing Rockin Around the Christmas Tree with me. Sometimes they are expected moments of sadness. Putting up the tree, the shiny garland I wrapped around the staircase that she hated. But then there are moments that are unexpected. That it just hits me.

A few weeks ago, she appeared in my dreams. It was just when I started my new job and she was there for my baby shower, of all things (Not pregnant, even a little bit.) She was laughing and hugging me. That was a hard day when I woke up. I wanted that hug here. I wanted to hear her laugh again. That's what we might call a sad day. A day where it just hit me.

Then, there was yesterday. As I was cleaning out my car, I came across this.This small backpack.

It was tucked under my trunk blanket, probably left behind from the move...4 months ago...As I pull it out, right there, it just hit me. This was the very last Christmas present my mom ever gave me. Since she had bronchitis that Christmas she didn't get to the store and shop so instead gave me this bag she had gotten from Yves Roche as a free gift and wrapped money inside it. When I opened it, I threw up the money and made my mom laugh. One of those memories I will never forget.

IF you are experiencing this, this Holiday season, know you are not alone. Know that this is the path of grief. It never has an ending. It's ok to be sad, it's ok to still be grieving no matter how long its been. But also know, it's ok to laugh a little more and smile a little more than the last holiday season. Because just as those sad moments hit, know that those moments of pure happiness will hit you too. And those moments, will be the best comfort you could ask for.

 photo Krista-Signature.png


  1. Kate @ Classy LivingDecember 22, 2014 at 9:39 PM

    Oh, Krista, my heart just hurts for you. I cannot even imagine what it must be like without your mom here, and I'm so sorry that you have to experience this grief. I'm praying for you, friend! xo

  2. Send prayers your way. This will be our 4th Christmas without Justin's dad, and its always bittersweet. We have the whole family together except him & nothing will ever be the same!

  3. Thank you so much for sharing this! My dad passed away in September and although I'm really trying to be festive, it's difficult. I have been having a lot of mixed emotions. This was exactly what I needed to read. I'm sorry for your loss. I know your mom's in good company :) Merry Christmas!

  4. This is my second Christmas without my mom. Last year, she passed in November but had already wrapped some gifts which was a bittersweet surprise. Thinking of you and your fam this holiday season.

  5. I'm so sorry to hear you are having a hard time. The holidays can be so hard.

  6. Thank you friend! Sometimes it just gets me, you never know when.

  7. Exactly how we feel. I still love Christmas but something so different about it every year. Thank you for your kind words.

  8. This is why I love writing what I am going through in the hopes that it even helps one person. Many people won't know how to help you cope, but know that it is ok to not be sure what to do. I hope you have the merriest Christmas possible!

  9. Every year it gets easier but there are always those moments that still make you hurt just a little bit. I will definitely be thinking of you this Christmas!

  10. Thank you. Just having some hard moments in the midst of all the happy ones. Happy holidays to you!


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